begun

like a seedling after a long journey, passed from wave to wave to wave to finally shore, like spores settling on moist ground ready to sprout, like the warming of the chicks inside the egg on the eve of the 26th day below the mothers bum, like mushrooms eyeing the sun after a two days of pelting rain, like a blooming petals shivering and laden with the morning dew awaits for the sun to lighten the load.. though hard, it is inevitable...here i begun..

of empty spaces and fasting

Its like opening up a door to your home of 17 years and realized… its empty. Dear lord, I didn’t put much furniture in did I? not that I forgotten or that I’m cheap. It just goes un-noticed as time flies by, as you pass time, lying to urself that ur this modern simplistic urban yuppy inhibitor, and that only gets what's required; functional to ur well being. And here I am, not failing to look at my own blog at a few days apart at worst, when I’m busy with things, and wud u look at that… 2 months passes by without any new entry. What a lazy bum I prove to be. Shame on me, especially now that I’ve gotten actual readers. Time flies when ur passing time. Especially when ur the passenger in ur on life, and not being the driver. Whose the driver? Well no one- and that’s why a blog remains empty, even when the protagonist (i hope i spelled that rite) poke his head in couple of times in a week just to ...well see if everything’s ok. Mundane is the keyword.

Well it’s the first week of the fasting month, and hey I’m fasting my way through it. It almost amazes me when people actually could doubt other people( that means yours truly) on their(read: my) ability or statement of fasting. Its too simple a task that, tht it shouldn’t be doubted to begin with. For as long as I remember, I’ve always gotten a full month worth of fasting from the age of.. of.. well a very young age. too young to remember when. Why wouldn’t anyone be able to do this? Aside from actual medical condition, I don’t see why anyone couldn’t fast at all. I mean what planet wimp did you come from, for not being able starve for a mere 12 hours? Hell I could do that even without sahur- which I did yesterday and for most of the month when I was in the boarding school- only ate when they’re serving chicken, otherwise its not worth to wake up in the wee hours. But then again this is from my perspective. And I guess as there’s always a counter perspective that disagree with my opinion in practice, whose with patience and perseverance should be able to fast anyway, no doubt about it. Our bodies are design to endure more than 12 hours of food and water depravation.

The hard part of this fasting business is to actually living the principles of the ibadah, so to speak. It’s not all about not eating and not drinking. there's the logic, and the appreciation of it, the penghayatan stuffs and of course the purpose of it all, of course.. and of course then there’s a whole other dont-do-lists of controlling your physical and mental desires from food, to sexual inclinations, to gossip etc. eating is one thing, but the rest requires a lot more efforts, especially if ur young and working in places where pretty little things come hopping around occasionally. And of course the gossip. Caught myself the other day telling about my boss bad deeds to another collegue, behind his back of course. I should be more quieter in this month. To preserve water content and all. ;p slamat berbuka!

the casts

I guess I wud need to introduce to you a bit of myself and the the casts of this far too lengthy movie I called my life at this entry. There are a few lead actor and actresses. Some supporting casts, a few crooks, thieves and vutlures, a bunch of extras and a whole lot of background folks and noises. There’s of course the Family. A big family consisting of siblings, their spouses, their kids, in laws of their kids, kids of their kids, yes u read that right. And no I’m not that old, just the last child of the family ;) hey self-denial works!. when the time do comes, when everyone is at their turn to be at home during raya (as opposed to be at their spouses’ kampungs) it is quiet a hectic and fun place to be. Well that haven’t happen for a while I guess. But its OK. Even of there’s a quarter of the whole Family casts go back to home during Raya, its still good old fun. There’s the Mother. Love her with all my heart. She’s a strong person, able to raise this big family, especially when the Father passed away 20 years ago. Would love him as much if he’s alive today. Mother is kinda old right now, considering she alredy have three grand children.

There’s Ed the Girlfriend, the love of my life. Met her on the green grid once, and one time only. Decide to continue our little cyber rendezvous on the real world, and things sparked then on. And the magic continues with the usual ups and downs to now a few odd years from that moment I laid my eyes on her, as she walked up the stairs leading to the TGV counter, late for our very first movie date. But enough about her, got plenty of entries I can make about her. Or not.

There’s a few trusted friends, from the old campus. Not really that much from school though. I wasn’t really living in high school, just another ordinary kid passing high school. No one noticed me much then. Unlike in the university. A few more friends I make here at the Company, known also as the Dark Side, a motley band of friends. some of the usual disgruntled employees, who peculiarly prided themsemves as the unwanteds. A few are good for a few intellectual on-the-fly discussions on conspiracies, God, the community, social sciences and the Russian roulette.

I believe there are others, I didn’t quiet mentioned here. Like the Boss. And his Boss. And the others. But I guess that may come out later. All in all this has been quiet a lame entry, but what the hell I need the exercise. yeah i didnt wrotre much about myself. perhaps some other time.

Later.

Tried this before

Tried this before.

It didn’t work.

Don’t know why, probably writing in here takes up a lot of time. Thinking loud. And thinking of what people might think. But that wasn’t this for. I’m not writing this for you, sorry kids, ur not that special. Not that I don’t like you, ; its just I don’t know u that well. This is for me, to make it easy on my poor self . I think too much. Too critical over things that need not be. Trying to get it right. To let the story runs as it happened. Criticality sometimes cripple the end; which is to tell the story. But not this time. Not in here. However you read this out to be, just be forewarned; as everything else in life is, this may not what is seems to be. Among these words, some are real, and some are make-believe. It’s the classic art imitating life imitating art kinda thing. Or is it life pretending to be art pretending to be life? Whatever. This is such a bore.

And so I’m back here. In this infinite world, a white landscape with green grids as far as the eye can see, claiming a piece of cyber estate as my very own. And then some. The first time is always difficult. Even the second first time. Or third, but whose counting anyhow. There’s the anticipation of how it turns out to be. The butterflies turning into bats in your stomach. The calm before the storm. How the aftertaste gonna felt afterwards. How is the other person, the one staring, immersing in your thoughts and mind is receiving a piece of you. Worrying that the person won’t approve, or displease on your performance, or that she … wouldn’t ask was it good for you as it was for her? Will her mind still be reading you while she drove to home late from the office? will your words re-verberate in her mind as she pulls up in front of the porch? Or wheter will she blush and smile remembering you just as she woke up the next day? Will she be humming your words in the shower? Will she share you with her girlfriends like a big secret she can’t wait to tell? Will your words ran like wise advice or some juicy softporn novel or worst, crappy mumblings from someone too old that she couldn’t even finish?. Not that it mattered. And yet it bemusingly, even after millions of words, it still felt as it was the first. Again.

So here we go.